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In its definition, English learning dictionary puts “Abusive” as wrongly, unjust and being physically injurious, characterized by repeated violence. Simply put, relationship is the condition of being related, either in a romantic or sexual involvement. Marriage on the other hand referes to coming together of a man and a woman after a mutual understanding to create a family tie and carry legal and social responsibilities.
Generalising the concept of Abusive relationship, many scholars are of the opinion that, it include being violent or aggressive, making threats , controlling someone’s behaviour, verbally abusing them and sometimes putting pressure on someone or do things they feel non comfortable with. In short, the word abusive can be inter-woven with violence. Someone who is abusive behaves in a cruel or violent way to other people (Cooling Dictionary).
In recent times, there were different reports of violence in marriages or other kind of relationship.
If we remember a case of Maryam Sanda who Stabbed her Husband Halidu Bello in 2017. Another typical example is a gospel singer Osinachi Nwachukwu who was said to have died of throat cancer but rather of a complication from domestic violence by her husband who hit her on her chest. Few days ago , a suspected abusive husband was said to have poisoned her wife Balogun Yetunde somewhere in Kwara State, to just mention a few.
A popular Yoruba adage says (Isé kidede sé, which implies that there are reasons for every occurrence), the perpetrators of this menace in most cases always justify their behaviour with anger or loss of control , provocation, stress, alcohol or hard drug intake among others.
However, there are so many people who face the same problem but do not abuse. It’s quite unfortunate that some abusers claimed to be genetic, inheriting violence form their parents, hence, society should provide training and retraining on how to raise a befiting adult that build home, because the abusers were also raised by someone.
Meanwhile, in a publication, National Domestic Violence hotline submits that domestic violence stems from a desire to gain and maintain power and control over an intimate partner. Abusive people believe they have the right to control and restrict their partner’s lives, often either because they believe their own feelings and needs should be the priority in the relationship, or because they enjoy exerting the power that such abuse gives them.
Tactics of abuse (in any form) may be aimed at dismantling equality in the relationship in order to make their partners feel less valuable and undeserving of respect.
Researchers around the globe affirmed that some victims of abusive marriage are the architect of their own problem because while in courtship with their abusers they would have seen series of sign of abuse, therefore they agreed to the terms and conditions before getting married as implies in the definition of marriage given earlier .
Seeking clarification of the aforementioned claimed, in a conversation with a victim of abusive marriage in 2020, after listening to her hurdle, I asked her, as your abuser ever beats you while you are dating? She replied, in arguments, sometimes, he did slapp me once in a while or uttered abusive words.”
In another conversation with a young lady in 2022 who claimed to cut-off her relationship said, she took the drastic decision because she found out that her fiancè is a drug addict and sometimes mishandling her. On 13th of April 2022, a young lady, Ozioma Michael, called off her wedding with her fiancé, David Okike, which was billed to hold Saturday 16th of April 2022, over what she described as domestic violence forseen.
These and other occurrences show that, in one way or the other, some victims of violent marriage or relationship are previldged to some insight of abuse but tends to go along with the hope that their abusers will change. It is even said that sometimes when they decide to leave the abusive relationship, their abusers do beg them and they will take a reverse all in the name of love .
It’s crucial to note that, anyone can be a victim of abusive marriage or relationship, either male or female, young or old, poor or rich but research has it that women take 75 percent victimhood.
Regrettably, it’s said that those who are with the knowledge of scriptures mostly are found as perpetrators of this evil, where do the Qur’an and Bible say we should wage violence against each other.
Remember that everyone deserves a loving, healthy and respectful relationship no matter what. If you are experiencing violence in your relationship or marriage, take necessary steps to address it ,such as effective communication, call out the abusive behaviour, use clear languages to demand that the behaviour is stoped, set firm boundaries,then walk away and end the relationship if possible.
Any marriage where violence is the order of the day, it’s no longer romantic, which is against the definition of “relationship given earlier “hence such marriage should be dissolved. Qur’an 2 verse 227 says,”And if they have resolved on a divorcee ,Then Allah is surely hearing , Knowing.”
Regardless of the circumstances of your relationship, always remember that no one ever deserves to be abused, if it’s not working for you , simply walk away .
Zakariyah Abdullateef Olawuwo.
Broadcaster, Federal Radio Corporation of Nigeria, Harmony 103.5FM, Idofian, Kwara State.
